I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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