I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
