I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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