dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
there is glitter all over my balls
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
