drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
