So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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