At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
