Your face is a jimmy john
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
