You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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