possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
