You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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