He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
