shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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