WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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