Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
