i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
