It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
