Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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