hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
All I want is dick and wine.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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