I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
