I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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