My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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