just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
