How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
