gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
