Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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