NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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