why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
