Your face is a jimmy john
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
