youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
