She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
