Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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