I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
