so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
