Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
