I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
