porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
