there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
