i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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