Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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