The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
