i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
