A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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