the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
