The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
