This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
