I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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