If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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