theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
