I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
