fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
