i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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