let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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