I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
