There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
