yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
