i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
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You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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