If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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