I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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